How To Pick Up Chicks in 110 EZ Steps


I’ve been meeting a lot of people who wonder, “What’s the best way to pick up chicks?” I figured I’d break it down into simple steps. They don’t have to be followed exactly, but, they’ll probably help you on your quest.

  1. Get born
  2. Chicks love babies
  3. Just be a baby as long as you can
  4. Resist growing any bigger than a baby and thus becoming a toddler
  5. When you’re six years old, you’ll have to start devolving some hobbies to show chicks that you’re interesting
  6. Don’t eat paste
  7. Read a lot.
  8. Read good shit, like Thomas the Train and the Phantom Tollbooth
  9. Don’t pretend to be a dinosaur when they’re around. Unless they’re into that.
  10. Start slicking your hair back
  11. None of the other six year olds will be slicking their hair back yet, it’ll give you an edge
  12. Probably don’t peg any girls in the face with rocks on the playground
  13. Also, don’t rip their pigtails out
  14. so now you’re out of grammar school
  15. congratulations
  16. Now that you’re ten years old, get a car (yes, you’re 10 years old, I understand)
  17. Get a car
  18. all the other kids will ride the school bus to school or ride their BMXs, get a car
  19. probably a Transam
  20. It doesn’t matter if you can’t see over the steering wheel
  21. crash the Transam
  22. get a badass scar
  23. a face scar
  24. now you’re eleven years old and have a legend that’ll surround you
  25. You’ll be popular
  26. Make friends
  27. Make friends
  28. But only with other kids who have good looking chick sisters
  29. Wear fancy shoes, shiny ones. Nicer than your dads.
  30. Wear a suit everyday
  31. Don’t bother with a tie
  32. Graduate middle shcool at the top of your class
  33. Or get into a fight with the principal on the last day of school and spend the summer in juvenile detention.
  34. Learn French
  35. just kidding, that doesn’t work
  36. Brush your teeth
  37. So now you’re in highschool, stay in there and learn
  38. If your Sex Ed teacher is sexy you’ll want to try and lose your virginity with them if you haven’t already
  39. Hang cool pictures in your locker of you climbing mountains
  40. flying on the back of golden eagles
  41. wrestling bears
  42. all that crap
  43. When you see a chick you sweat, wink at her
  44. don’t do that quickdraw thing with the pistols. They think that’s lame.
  45. forget pickup lines
  46. ask questions
  47. ask her more questions
  48. this is important
  49. no talky: no nookie
  50. find one that makes you laugh
  51. make her laugh too
  52. if she’s not interesting you’ll never get bored. If she’s not interesting don’t bother trying to pick her up.
  53. a new direction: take a high dollar prostitute to the homecoming dance
  54. take a girl to the prom who couldn’t get a date: it’s just the right thing to do
  55. have a high dollar prostitute waiting for the both of you in the motel room after prom, surprise!
  56. don’t take your dates to the movies
  57. or museums
  58. Take them on acid trips
  59. Graduate high school, but don’t go to the graduation. There’s no opportunities for meeting chicks there.
  60. Go to college
  61. major in smooching and not telling
  62. for more college info see: Animal House
  63. see The Graduate
  64. see: Ernest Goes to College
  65. see: Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield
  66. After college, get a nice place of your own far enough away from the train tracks and the corner where people get shot, but close enough that you can walk to get your drugs
  67. have a pet alligator
  68. have a house where every wall is a tropical fish tank
  69. Tell girls you’re in Metallica
  70. if they say, “Metallica sucks,” you say, “I know that’s why I’m quitting the band today.”
  71. get good at back rubs
  72. get some kind of fancy back rub certification
  73. don’t tell anyone about the certificate let the back rub myth travel by way of whispers in the shadows
  74. get some facial hair
  75. you’ll either look better or worse
  76. If you look worse, cut it off
  77. listen as the chicks say, “you look better!”
  78. Remember how much chicks loved you when you were a baby?
  79. Become a baby again. Find Zoltar.
  80. Or steal a baby
  81. Don’t make a baby
  82. That means no more chicks
  83. Get a heart shaped hot tub
  84. A red race car of some kind with a moonroof
  85. A guitar signed by Eddie Van Halen
  86. A fur coat made from those arctic wolves that rock
  87. Carry a suitcase full of your money handcuffed to your wrist
  88. Buy the Godfather trilogy on DVD
  89. Use Godfather 3 as a coaster
  90. Chicks dig that
  91. Also: if they ask you if you’ve read a certain book, say “No, I wrote that under a pen name”
  92. Concentrate on your career
  93. By that I mean concentrate on not having one. It interferes with picking up chicks.
  94. Be rich
  95. How do I get rich?
  96. That’s another step by step list for another time.
  97. When you hit middle age, start to talk with a British accent
  98. If you’re British start communicating with sign language
  99. If you’re deaf, you already get all the chicks
  100. When you hit 56, you better put in an ANOTHER in ground pool. Each year add ANOTHER in ground pool. Until you hit 75. Then, just chill.
  101. As you get older, walk with a cane with a very large jewel on top
  102. Wear an Indiana Jones hat
  103. Tip your hat at all the ladies
  104. don’t talk about the old days
  105. have fun at all costs
  106. always be kind and patient and caring
  107. if somebody looks like they need help, help them
  108. At 100 years of age, settle down from the dating circuit
  109. Ask your best gal to go steady
  110. Pass away in your sleep on a warm spring afternoon on a hammock by the river.

4 Replies to “How To Pick Up Chicks in 110 EZ Steps”

  1. “After college, get a nice place of your own far enough away from the train tracks and the corner where people get shot, but close enough that you can walk to get your drugs”

    Good advice all around. Especially to just be a baby.

  2. They are used for the same purposes as regular barns. “The rule for collecting antiques and collectibles is never throw anything away,”
    said Miracle, “but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to sell junk items that have no value or appeal to anyone. He frequented the nearby Audubon Society sanctuary in Sharon, where he took great interest in all the birds.

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