How To Find Porn on the Internet in 50 Steps

I know that some of you are struggling with finding pornographic images on the world wide web, so I thought I’d share some tips with you to make your attempts at finding lewd and lascivious images go from “major failure” to “sweet success”.

1. Get up early every day.

2. Or stay up super late, whatever.

3. Just set aside a block of time daily to reach your goal

  • a) that’s the only way anyone reaches their goals
  • b) you’ve got all this worthless free time
  • c) you’ve got a goal
  • d) so yeah, stay on target
  • e) Just remember your mantra, “must learn to find internet porn somehow. must learn to find internet porn somehow. must learn to find internet porn somehow.”

4. Get a job (trust me)

5. Or start your own business. Ughhhhh. I dunno.

6. The point is, you’ll need a computer

7. I know, I’ve heard, legend has it, porn is free

8. But you’ll need electricity and a room to watch it in

9. Get a newspaper

10. Go on a job interview anywhere but a cannery

  • a) for example catfood factory: horrible job
  • b) tuna fish factory: horrible job
  • c) aerosol spray can factory: horrible job.

11. Whatever job you get, make sure you enjoy it

12. OK, so now the money is starting to flood in

13. Go to an electronics store and say, “I would like to purchase a home desktop computer in order to casually cruise the world wide web and look for pornographic images and videos. I have zero experience with computers and zero experience with finding porn. Can you point me in the direction of a desktop system that will help me reach my goal? Also, it will need to be affordable because I work night shift at a cat food factory.”

14. Take the computer home

15. Put it in the corner.

16. DO NOT OPEN THE BOX

17. Remember what happened when you were a little kid when you jumped into the whole ‘learning to tie your shoelaces thing’ before you were ready? Remember?

18. Look down at your crushed, mangled amateur shoelace tying accident hands.

19. Make a promise to familiarize yourself with the ins and out of computers before jumping into computer use head first.

20. Get yourself a book to familiarize yourself with your new home computer. I reccomend
“DATA STRUCTURES AND ALGORITHMS IN C++”

21. I also recommend “The Advanced HTML Companion, Second Edition”

22. Step one after reading those books, Take your computer out of the box.

23. Don’t eat any packing peanuts. They are not circus peanuts.

24. Set the computer up on your desk.

25. Wait … you don’t have a desk? You were gonna set it up on the floor? I’ve never heard of that. That sounds like some serial killer shit right there.

26. Go to anywhere that sells a desk

27. Explain in graphic detail everything  you hope to get out of the desk. If they will let you sit at the desk and try it out for your purposes, by all means, give it a test run.

28. Ughhhh, build the desk at home. Follow the instructions.

29. Dispose of all the extra weird screws and bolts and stuff the desk people gave you

30. Moment of truth. Set  the computer up on the desk.

31. Don’t be scared. Just push the power button. It’ll be somewhere on the computer depending on your model, who knows where.

32. What do you mean it’s not working?

33. Is the power chord plugged into the electric socket?

34. Ok, it’s plugged in. Is the monitor plugged into the CPU tower?

35. Ok, nothing is getting power …

36. Are you sitting in the dark right now?

37. Call the power company, tell them that you need the electricity turned on in your house. How did you not know that? All the light switches didn’t work? You thought that you just needed new light switches.

38. I’m sick.

39. OK. You have light! Place looks brighter now, huh?

40. I know, you’re at  the cat food factory when the sun goes down … You just never noticed. Sure. TURN THE COMPUTER ON.

41. Working? Looks good?

42. Nice, glad to hear it. Set up your personal preferences on your desktop.

43. Oh. Yeah, I forgot to mention. Plug the fucking mouse in and the keyboard.

44. It’s not a real mouse, they just call it that.

45. Stop right there … please go take a class at our community college to familiarize yourself with basic home computer use. Try: Advanced Soldering and Circuit Board Engineering.

46. Good! You got it now! Excellent!

47. Click on the button that says “Internet”

48. Internet is another way to say world wide web

49. In the upper right hand corner there’s a magnifying glass near a search bar. Magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes, not actual magnifying. That’s how you find stuff.

50. Type porn in that search bar. Click enter. ENJOY!

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18 Replies to “How To Find Porn on the Internet in 50 Steps”

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