SPECIAL REPORT: How to Survive a Snowstorm

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There are many ways a snowstorm can potentially kill a person (usually from boredom). I’ve composed a check list for the novice winter survivalist. Be sure to make sure you have all these ducks in a row.

1. Bread and milk, so you can stare at them. I don’t eat that stuff either, but you’ll want ample bread and milk in case you’re snowed in so you can stare at it for some reason.

2. Red dye to make your snow man/woman (snow person?) look like it was butchered.

3. My Cousin Vinny on DVD or VHS in case it’s daytime (daytime TV is the worst) or in case it’s nighttime (Marissa Tomei is dead sexy)

4. Approx. 10 cases of various types of craft beer, per day, per person. Hint: you can fill your bathtub up with beer and keep the bathroom air conditioned (or open the window, dumbass) if your fridge is overloaded with all that milk you bought.

5. Puzzles. Get a 100,000 piece puzzle. Spread the pieces all over the house. Hide some between couch cushions, make it extra difficult for yourself. Get a blind fold too. This jigsaw puzzle is all you’ll have if the power goes out.

6. Snow shovel. That’s self explanatory. You’ll need that to lop off your snow man’s head. Pool up the red dye next to the severed snow head. It’ll look cool.

7. Your weight in coffee grinds.

8. One of those hot dog beany things that were popular in the early 80s, to keep the breeze from blowing under your door.

9. Calvin and Hobbes anthologies. Stock up now, I’m telling you. It’s gonna snow.

10. Swim suits, beach umbrellas, surf gear: it’s all on sale. Why wait till prices go up? Plus, it looks funny when you’re covering your dead snowmen in red dye, while wearing your swim suit.

I hope that helps you with this winter weather we’re all suffering from, and makes your ‘snowed in experience’ a little more bare-able. I’m probably lounging in a bathtub full of beer right now.

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