I’ve Thought of Ways to Survive NYC that I Shouldn’t Need

in Target, I’m standing by the sporting goods section
and I can’t stop myself from picking up an inflatable hot tub and lifting the inflatable hot tub over my head

I buy it and set it in the trunk of my car where the spare tire should be but there’s room because the spare tire has been on my car for sixty six weeks

I drive up the turnpike at 115 mph because that’s the only way that I can get through the toll booth without the cameras catching my license plate. If I am going to live in New York City I cannot afford to pay the bridge toll every day

I work in New Jersey
I don’t have a barbecue grill
I live on 173rd where I have no religion or cable TV
I am surrounded by dust bunnies in apartment 12
I set up the inflatable hot tub in the center of my living room

but I need a hose
that’s something I didn’t think of
so first, I walk over to my next door neighbor, who is a surprised to see me, I have never encountered my next door neighbor, not in the 12 years that I have lived here
“what can I do for you?”

“do you have a hose?”

my neighbor closes his door very slowly
I hear the dead bolt
I can sense his eye looking through the peep hole
I slap the door where the peep hole is and I walk away

the super is carrying garbage bags up from garbage storage area
it must be garbage day
that is one of the ways I have survived in New York City
I have not thought about garbage day in 12 years
sometimes I can even just toss an entire bag of garbage out my window so it crashes down near the cans, the super takes care of everything else
“hey man, I could use some help”

“what you need?” he says
“a hose”


he disappears for  minute and then comes back with a garden hose

that was easy
but then he says “what do you need it for?”

“I can’t tell you”
“then keep it,” he says “ I don’t want to ever see it again”

I fill the inflatable hot tub with scolding water
it is the best water in the country
everyone says that
they say that NYC tap water is a miracle
they say that pizza everywhere else can suck NYC pizza’s dick
they say bagels anywhere else can eat NYC bagel’s ass

it’s all thanks to this water
a friend of mine was arrested for swimming naked in the reservoir where this water comes from
he says they pointed a machine gun at him
he has a few stories where he has been naked and has had a machine gun pointed at him

he has never been in a war
but has had machine guns aimed at his nuts multiple times
I think he should avoid war
war would be no good for him
I’m not going to war either, I’m just going in this hot tub

my phone rings
it’s my mom
my mail still goes to my mom’s house in New Jersey
it’s been 12 years, I get no mail here
“hey, have one thousand tickets for you here”

“what kind of tickets? lottery tickets?”

“you’ve been driving through a toll, everyday?”

“yes, but every fast”

“okay … haha, go faster”
the doorbell rings
“hey, gotta go”

it’s my downstairs neighbor
she looks very upset
“it’s raining in my apartment”
I look at her shocked
I say, “you need an exorcist, probably”

but she can see the water rushing down the hallway
and she points
“what is that!”

“oh fuck, my hot tub …”
I close the door
I shut off the hose
I plug the hot tub in
the water swirls like heaven
bubbling like the afterlife is supposed to be like
and then there is more knocking on my door
but I’m getting naked
I’m climbing into the inflatable hot tub
I’m submerging
I’m going under like a frog

I’m thinking that I will also fill the living room with beach sand
and a charcoal grill
I can get the sand at Target
I can get the barbecue grill at Target too
both are on sale, saw them today


One Reply to “I’ve Thought of Ways to Survive NYC that I Shouldn’t Need”

  1. This is fucking hilarious. Reminds me of a Christmas party where we had 3 tons of sand delivered to my friends garage and threw a beach party in late December with zero degree temps. We all dressed in clothes we would wear in July. Most of us were surfers. One of my friends wore a full bridal gown and 2 others wore African muumuus. We had a pig roast and played Beach Boys music. A few weeks later his house exploded from a gas leak and burned to the ground.

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