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SOME TWEETS

Dressed like a ninja and not here for church, baby.

stay up to watch the sun rise and give it the finger

I’d like to hold 100,000 balloons and float up into the sky towards a cloud shaped like a shark with its mouth open.

I am going to start calling things ‘pretty fucking sledgehammer’

4 am is famous for being oblivion.

some people are just waking up to find out they have turned to stacks of hundreds of pebbles they found while dreaming.

other people are waking up with winged feet and opened windows above the sheer cool cliffs.

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I’m feeding fish food to the cat. Confusing the whole fucking ecosystem.
Somebody give a werewolf a jet pack. Let’s make some history.

If anybody needs me I’ll be looking out from the eye holes in painting walking around secret passages candle stick in hand

All your missing socks? They’re my house. You read that right. I built my house out of your socks.

Very anti-social. Very into heavy petting. Those two conflicting traits define my life.

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I was raised by a pack of wild cherry Pepsi.

Crash a dirtbike right into the swimming pool. Sink to the bottom. Await, badass mermaids.

There’s probably some Special Ops person somewhere who’s deadly enough to kill someone with a single blueberry pancake.

Just hijacked 15 glass jugs of apple juice from a medical lab. Tastes like urine.

My dream house has a pencil sharpener in every room.

Life’s a typo that everybody edits a different way.

Believe in yourself, unless you’re the Easter Bunny.

Don’t ever die. Drink this juice from this wolf paw footprint, let’s fucking party.

The survivors of the apocalypse gathered together and rebuilt society with Legos.

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Sometimes some people are so beautiful I can imagine them really being made of 100,000 blue birds that will scatter over the sea if ignored.

If you haven’t slow danced to the Mortal Kombat soundtrack, then you haven’t lived.

I should boil all my old VHS tapes and DVDs and CDs in a large pot. Make a nostalgic soup out of all that stuff. All I need is a bay leaf.

Shake a tree; a hundred beautiful girls spill out. Dodge them. Then, jump in like they’re a pile of leaves.

sometimes I look around at people at the supermarket and wonder how long they’d survive in a regular market.

You can’t steal second with your foot on first unless you use astral projection.

Hi kids, today I’m using a jackhammer to chip out concrete. Hi kids, stay in school.

Weaponized hashtag.

It’s only the first 90 years that are tough, says the 91 year old lady about to jump out of an airplane with a parachute with her face on it

If you feel lost, eat a map.

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moonlit pools. starlit pools. neon sign lit pools. bug zapper lit pools.

People everywhere are swimming in night lit pools.

some people are stepping through doorways into super bright light and getting knocked over for their efforts. I’m fine here.

I guess it never gets old finding great stuff laying in the dirt.

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If all else fails sit very quietly and change the entire world.

Hi I just listened to your voicemail, I love you too and you make my life worth living too. I’m on my way home carrying chests of treasure.

the bartender doesn’t seem ready to negotiate with me on a molecular level.

Other times we write our memoirs on barf bags.

Hi, I’m drinking everclear in Indiana.

This is Dante’s Inferno for Kids Who Don’t Give a Shit.

Just wanted you to know I’m in economy parking area B row 12, approx 42 cars down the row to the east of bus shuttle stop 6. In case I ask.

Hold your breath and swim through the electric coral maze to open up the treasure chest full of extra lives, ruby fins, infinite breath.

Weave in an out of asteroids and laser blast metallic dragons leaping up from the space lava.

even more people are waking up with music pouring out of their hummingbird lives.

X-rays for the ordinary instances of your life.

Wonder who pissed off the moon last night.

I’m curating me sleeping in this bed like I’m in a medically induced coma.

Trees think turtles are fast as fuck.

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Don’t let a door welded shut stop you.

I only take my wedding ring off when I’m around a machine that can rip the finger off or if I’m feeding a camel a handful of captain crunch.

just chilling in the work parking lot ten feet from the turnstiles pretending I’m dead, again.

I specialize in things that do not matter.

Shout out to the guy laying on his horn behind me in traffic. We weren’t moving but the horn made me open the sunroof extend a friendly wave

If you get lucky you learn to like yourself.

I’m working night shift at an oil refinery. Any body have any theories on this universe?

You don’t always have to be happy. Sometimes you can be ecstatically miserable.

This whole city is covered in a thin layer of coconut suntan lotion.

Sometimes when people talk to me I just stare at them until they give up and go to the movies or a water park or whatever they do.

If you want to have more vivid dreams, change the light bulbs in your house to Roman candles.

If you want to be a better artist, go fall off a few cliffs.

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some other winners have lost 18 pounds in 2 months by drinking just 800 less beers a week.

other people are making oatmeal in a waffle iron.

Life should inspire drool

Dying is the worst thing on TV but it keeps getting picked up for a nee season.

Self destruction seems easier than grocery shopping.

I come from a small town with 1000 people and 2500 asshole cops.

I can’t figure out what anything means, so I’m making up my own everything.

A river of coffee in which we wash away our our sins, dunking new babies and stuff. Celebrating the Donut Lord.

Take some heavy excavation equipment out into the street, start digging. Go down about 100 feet, get bored, put up some road cones. Leave

I feel more comfortable with ugly bank tellers.

Life: be more serious
Me: no
Life: comb your cat
Me: I don’t have a cat
Life: get a serious cat to comb
Me: you’re irrational
Life: a calico

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I wanna lay down in a blueberry waffle and die for awhile.

My coworkers specialize in racist humor and not getting fucked by their wives.

Rumor has it that 83% of humanity is pandering towards whoever/whatever will have them.

“I’m sorry, I don’t date clients.”
–girl at the fried chicken place

I just commissioned a bird outside my window to be my eyes and ears over the kingdom.

Some avocados are better pets than cats.

Take great pride in your resistance to spontaneous human combustion.

Any of these doors magic?

Keep your sex and time travel separate.

Going on another shaman vision quest at work today, rather than working. Upper management has been warned.

Quick question: why didn’t Teen Wolf just kill EVERYONE?

In my dreams I have Pepto Bismol for blood and I’m super chill.Right now: dissolve through the floor, swim through lakes of magma until you find the magnetic core of this sphere, becoming lightning.

For my next trick I’ll make all of this laundry a home for raccoons.

Be not very awesome at the drums very loudly.

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Destruction Is inevitable, I said to the girl at the deli counter.

one dream I had was of a man who collected 200 refrigerators, cut the walls out of some, welded them together, lived inside the structure

Made a pizza with my telekinesis. Tasted very much like a dust bunny. Found the pizza under the bed with telekinesis. Science has no answers

Enjoys: all 26 letters, some numbers, liquid nitrogen, hens, rabbits, colors that draw birds/not bees, waterfalls with caves and swords, etc.

it’s pretty cool when someone is like “Hey! What are you working on?”
and you’re like “HEY! NOTHING!”

my review of this glass of ice water: 1 STAR: TASTELESS, TOO FUCKING COLD!

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Moved my bed under the motherfucking window. If it floats up and out and away out the window, I’ll feel in on it. Away we go.

If I start to levitate, throw my beer up to me.the death squad seemed friendly at first.

Wanna run over a mythical creature with my car.

Washed my pants in the bath tub like this is Ireland 1887.

Don’t get out of bed they’ll shoot you with a flame thrower.

Be nice to everybody they might be the Angel of Death, or have an in ground swimming pool.

Update: seagull just shit on me.

Hi everyone I won my local election I’m now a congressman in the district of my own apartment. I oppose suicide, because it’s just me.

bought them a chainsaw for their wedding gift.

the universe is random but errs in our favor, if you don’t believe me, get high and look at your hand.

I get high and specifically do not solve crimes.

My hopes lie with the adventurers.

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I don’t respect gravity: don’t use it, don’t depend on it, don’t–oh shit here I go floating away.

If I die in the middle of the night, wake me up gentle saying, “hey babe you died again, come back to life, on the way get us bread & milk”

lift the hood, check oil, inspect the fan belts, change the spark plugs, drink the windshield washer fluid, drink the ant-freeze: LET’S RIDE

after a thousand years, I cleaned the dryer lint trap.

Got some new clothes. Now I look like Vanilla Ice.

Just caught a mouse with a drinking glass and flushed him down the toilet after writing a poem about compassion.

tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 5 in dog years minus 1 cat year.

eat light bulbs. make light in your belly for those trapped there, painting pretty pictures.

tonight the bartender explained in detail how to make my favorite drink, and now I am my own bartender and the bartender no longer exists.

It’s hard to get through. We don’t live on the same earth.

every time a bat swoops into the moonlight to eat a mosquito, we take a yager shot.

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One thought on “SOME TWEETS

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